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Previously on I Promise To Wash My Hands Between Stirring Shit And Scooping Ice Cream: Ozzy found the idol, and he replaced it with an obviously fake one, which was found by Jason, Non-Master Of The Obvious. His little Nookie Foursome was sitting pretty until the tribes were scrambled, at which point Ozzy and Amanda’s pathetic Malakal half started losing repeatedly to James and Parvati’s Airai half, led by surprising challenge demon…Eliza? Parvati decided to make an alliance with Alexis and Natalie, who are these two women who are on the Airai tribe who didn’t really talk in the first eight episodes of the show, making them shoo-ins to walk away as co-winners of the coveted Most Forgettable Person To Ever Be On This Show award, except that no one will remember them when it’s time to vote. Irony! For the first time, a “Favorite” went instead of a “Fan” when a weirdly weepy Ami was booted at Ozzy’s insistence over the Ozzy-infatuated Erik.

At Malakal post-tribal-council, Ozzy insists that he would have toootally never voted Ami out if she’d been honest. Honest how? “You can’t try to get me out unless you tell me in advance you’re going to try to vote me out”? “You have to tell me after the fact that you tried to vote me out, and then I won’t try to vote you out”? This is so dumb. What he said last week about how he goes after anyone he finds out was trying to get him out? That’s not unreasonable. Not sophisticated strategic thinking, necessarily, but it’s defensible. Of course, rather than sticking with that, he’s decided to make it all about honesty, like he threw Ami out of the Babysitters’ Club for hurting his feelings.

“If she’d just stuck with me, she’d still be in this game!” he says. Yes, if Ami had just been loyal to Ozzy, he would have kept her in the game slightly longer before voting her out. Why didn’t she see the obvious wisdom in this course of action? He might have allowed her to finish as high as sixth! Stupid Ami. What did she want, to win?

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Previously on No Time (Like The Present) For Losers: Kathy couldn’t face the world without Jonathan and his Leg Hole Of Nobility, and she shuffled right off the island before she started setting her surroundings on fire. Hey, I know just how she feels. Ozzy found the hidden idol and put a stick in the hiding place, hoping that maybe, if he got very lucky, someone would actually be enough of a buffoon to think that maybe the idol was just a stick this year. Meanwhile, back at camp, two rocks clunked together in Jason’s head and made a noise that sounded like, “Maybe the idol is just a stick this year,” and when he found the stick, he put two and two together and got a boiled potato for a brain, so he’s now walking around with a stick shoved down his pants that he thinks will protect him from harm. I think I saw that on House. Write “hallucinations” down on the white board next to “shelter-hoarding”! We carefully followed The Secret Love Of Erik And Ozzy, also known as The Love That Probably Could Not Spell Its Name. Ami tried to get something going with the fans to get out Ozzy, but it fell apart for reasons that were not shared with the stupid, nosy audience, and Tracy was sent home. Erik is the only Malakal fan person! Do you suppose it means anything that nowhere in the credits did anyone explain anything about the dynamics over at the other tribe? Nah.

And now: this week.

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When we left our little show, Jonathan had just taken a powder in order to avoid having his leg turn green, fall off, and be auctioned for the benefit of the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. Airai was on a winning streak, Ozzy was demonstrating (over and over) that he wasn’t actually capable of carrying Malakal to challenge victory singlehandedly, and Kathy’s belfry was lousy with bats. Baby bats, maybe, but definitely capable of some high-level flap-flap-flapping if the situation were just right.

Ozzy’s appeal to treating chickens as renewable resources in the opening scene would make a lot more sense to me if he would at least acknowledge that Tracy’s entire argument was based on the fact that the chickens didn’t lay any eggs that day at all. It seems logical to me that egg production would slow, once the contestants were doing the feeding, and there would come a time to just eat the chickens. And I would note that Ozzy isn’t exactly the Chicken Management Wunderkind anyway, since I was helpfully informed after last week’s “oyster shells” discussion that the chickens are indeed supposed to have the oyster shell bits; they’re in there for a reason, they’re good for the chickens, and picking them out is not only tedious, but actually counterproductive. So there, smarty-mouth. Chickens love oyster shells! Whatever, I grew up in the suburbs; I only learned just recently that chickens start out with feathers. (I AM KIDDING.) Furthermore, Tracy is 100 percent right that Ozzy’s actual reason for not wanting to eat the chickens right now is that he wants to eat them later when there are fewer people to share with. No way that isn’t true.

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June 2018
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