What Not To Wear, Either

While we’re discussing television, and while I’m up too early on a Saturday because quitting my job has predictably led to a nasty cold (I completely believe the stress-hormone explanation, based on…every experience I’ve ever had like this), I have to say something about Addie.

Addie is the first person they’ve ever made over on What Not To Wear where I don’t like anything they did with her. Did not like any of the clothes — any! Did not like the hair. Did not like the makeup. The first outfit had her in skinny jeans, and because she’s not six feet tall and willowy, they looked horrible on her. The second outfit featured a sweater with a pattern that distorted as it stretched over her chest, which even I know is a no-no, and the length of the top was wrong and made her stomach look poochy. The third outfit was a dress that was just…an ugly dress, I thought.

I often don’t like what Nick does to curly hair — it winds up looking very poodle-y. Very much a topiary, and then it doesn’t move. It also tends to be un-feminine, in my opinion, which is fine if that’s what you’re going for, but it often isn’t. The makeup was okay, but as much as I love Carmindy and her “five-minute face” philosophy, if you’re just putting on a midtone eyeshadow, you’re really pushing it to call that a quick version of a “smoky eye.” Do the damn smoky eye or don’t, but don’t get all mock-apple-pie-made-of-crackers about it.

At her party, while her dress was a nice color, it was much too old for her, I thought. She started out with the advantages of seeming natural and approachable, and she wound up looking starched and uncomfortable. I usually like the makeovers pretty well, but not this one.

Let Us Now Discuss Survivor

When we left our little show, Jonathan had just taken a powder in order to avoid having his leg turn green, fall off, and be auctioned for the benefit of the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. Airai was on a winning streak, Ozzy was demonstrating (over and over) that he wasn’t actually capable of carrying Malakal to challenge victory singlehandedly, and Kathy’s belfry was lousy with bats. Baby bats, maybe, but definitely capable of some high-level flap-flap-flapping if the situation were just right.

Ozzy’s appeal to treating chickens as renewable resources in the opening scene would make a lot more sense to me if he would at least acknowledge that Tracy’s entire argument was based on the fact that the chickens didn’t lay any eggs that day at all. It seems logical to me that egg production would slow, once the contestants were doing the feeding, and there would come a time to just eat the chickens. And I would note that Ozzy isn’t exactly the Chicken Management Wunderkind anyway, since I was helpfully informed after last week’s “oyster shells” discussion that the chickens are indeed supposed to have the oyster shell bits; they’re in there for a reason, they’re good for the chickens, and picking them out is not only tedious, but actually counterproductive. So there, smarty-mouth. Chickens love oyster shells! Whatever, I grew up in the suburbs; I only learned just recently that chickens start out with feathers. (I AM KIDDING.) Furthermore, Tracy is 100 percent right that Ozzy’s actual reason for not wanting to eat the chickens right now is that he wants to eat them later when there are fewer people to share with. No way that isn’t true.